And Machine Man Makes 3

I liked Machine Man in the MTU Annual I just read, so I was excited about this team-up between him and Spidey, fighting Baron Brimstone and Sandman. By the way, I don’t know if Sandman’s costume will ever change again, but I certainly hope so. His current costume is sooooo bad.

Baron Brimstone breaks himself and the Sandman out of prison. Brimstone has a vendetta against Machine Man, and he’s bringing Sandman along for the ride. When Peter Parker hears of the prison escape, he involves himself. From there this takes a very stale, very predictable course for Marvel Team-Up: Spidey and Machine Man encounter each other; fight for no reason, allowing the bad guys to escape; put aside their differences and team-up; and finally, beat the bad guy and save the girl. So many issues of Team-Up play out exactly like this (including the Annual I just read, though at least that was a little longer and more interesting).

So, unfortunately, the good times with Machine Man that I was hoping for ended up fairly stale. Ho hum.

Rating:

Blacked Out — By the Enforcer!

That Scotty Should Not Die!
Writing: Michael Fleisher
Penciling: Stephen Leialoha
Inking: Michael Esposito
Lettering & Coloring: Parker, Hannigan
Originally published: July 1980

Spider-Man is Dead — And I Killed Him!
Script by: Michael Fleisher
Art by: Ernie Chan, Frank Springer
Colors by: Ben Sean
Letters by: Diana Albers
Originally published: August 1980

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

I had written a super long post about these three issues and when I hit “publish” it totally disappeared. Aaaaaaaagh!

So mad. I’m not rewriting it. FUCK!

Rating:

The Vengeance Gambit!

Wings of Fire, Wings of Fear
Writer: Roger Stern
Penciler: Marie Severin
Inker: Steve Mitchell
Letterer: Michael Higgins
Colorist: Glynis Wein
Originally published: August 1980

Winter in New York. Spidey is swinging about NYC and witnesses an important-looking funeral procession. What Spidey doesn’t realize is that it’s a mob (or some kind of gang) funeral. At the funeral, this one jerk who is in charge — Malachai — is mouthing off about how his uncle is taking over the city’s crime scene, and how the dead guy shouldn’t have listened to the uncle, and how the uncle is now giving all these other gangsters a chance to prove themselves by stealing certain things.

The next day one of these hoods, a Harry Dolenz, is in Chinatown to try to get the item requested of him. It’s Chinese New Year. He gets killed. At the same time Spidey has been swinging around taking pictures of the New Year celebrations for the Globe. When he gets home, he doesn’t discover that he inadvertently captured the dude’s murder on film, but we do. The next morning he turns them into Barney Bushkin and they eventually notice that shot.

Ok…then basically some uninteresting gang struggle stuff happens for a bit, some of which involves Spidey. Eventually we find out that the Vulture — Adrian Toomes — is behind everything. He’s Malachai’s uncle. Spidey shows up to the funeral home (I think?) where the baddies are all holding out, but he ends up getting chained down inside a coffin that’s heading towards cremation.

CLIFFHANGER!

The next issue begins with Spidey again en route to a firey demise. He, of course, gets out in pretty short order. He gets the toughs, but the Vulture and Malachai escape. Ah, but so did Black Alfred, a gangster with ambition, and he’s none too happy with the Vulture. Alfred shoots at the old man, but Malachai jumps in the path of the bullet. Vulture wails on Black Alfred like crazy, but then Spidey shows up again and stops Vulture from killing the guy. When the cops show up, the Vulture takes off again and Spider-Man pursues.

Mid-air fight! They wind up crashing through some windows into Grand Central Station. Vulture ends up taking himself out by flying hard into a glass panel. So Spidey kinda wins I guess?

These issues were kinda dry and boring. Not terrible for any specific reason, but they just really didn’t hold my interest.

Rating:

Meteor Madness!

Well, this sucked. Why bring back a mediocre villain like Meteor Man if you’re not even going to do anything interesting with him? Why bring Giant Man into the mix if you’re not going to do anything interesting with him? This was all very much by the numbers. I guess it’s cool that Meteor Man ended up dying (permanently though? No.), but overall this was just pretty lame.

Rating:

All You Need is Hate

Well, we’ve once again got two ridiculous excuses for Jessica Drew to get naked. Nekra is also pretty much naked as well:

And they of course get into a huge fight — described as “tiger against tiger”, a.k.a. a catfight — in which their clothes get torn to shreds. None of this is anywhere near as bad as the crap Marv Wolfman was writing, but it’s still pretty gratuitous and stupid.

As a side note, we learn that Spider-Woman won the fight because Nekra loved her. So it wasn’t just a normal catfight, it was a hot lesbian catfight.

On the plus side, Jerry Hunt is moving to London. Are we finally rid of him? Let’s hope so.

Rating:

Into the Hive!

A pretty lame wrap-up to the Swarm story line. I wish this had BEEn a little better. Ahahahahahaha.

Sorry.

Rating:

Enter: Swarm!

This issue starts with a huge waste of space and time, in which Spidey goes after some random bank robbers. It has nothing to do with the plot, and is simply filler.

The rest of the issue deals with Pete starting to get settled into grad school, and having to deal with some bee guy named Swarm. He’s kind of a cool villain, but the issue basically sucked.

Rating:

Cat’s-Paw!

This was a mostly uninteresting magic story that was mostly about Agatha Harkness and Franklin Richards. Agatha’s evil monster son tries to take over the world, and Franklin somehow stops him.

Peter Parker appears in one panel, getting shoved aside by some force waves, along with the rest of humanity.

Rating:

Writers: Dan Abnett, Andy Lanning
Artist: Igor Kordey
Letters: Richard Starkings
Design: Cindy Emmert
Originally published: September 1995

Oh my God, this was like, uh, so, uh, deep? Because it was about, uh, normal people? And, uh, the way they, uh, talked, was uh, so real.

I’m pretty certain I read these in the wrong spot, since Julia Carpenter (another Spider-Woman) appears, and she doesn’t really exist yet for the books I’m currently reading.

Rating:

End of a Nightmare!!

This was mostly a big sorcery battle between Magnus and Morgan, with Spider-Woman in the middle of course. Werewolf by Night, a.k.a. Jack Russell, is also brought into it, but he’s pretty much useless.

My biggest complaint was the stupid and non-sensical narration by Jack Russell. It sucked.

Oh wait…an even bigger complaint: what’s up with the cover?! In issue 4 I was complaining about the sexism and bondage imagery, and here there’s even more of it. To make matters worse, this scene never even happens in the damn story. It’s just pure exploitation! I don’t know what’s up with Carmine Infantino, Marv Wolfman, and the editors, but this series has some really bad sexist overtones that I do not like.

Rating:

Shoot Out Over Center Ring!

I found this issue really confusing. I wasn’t sure why Amos Jardine was hiring anyone to kill Spider-Man, and I was even less clear on why he first hired Arcade, then fired him and instead hired some loser named Cutthroat.

Why does Team-Up have to be so bad? Why can’t they integrate it into the larger Spidey storyline better?

Rating:

The Razor’s Edge!

The Black Panther is framed in a pretty straightforward (and unimaginative) political “thriller”. At the end we find out the oil company is behind it! Also, Springer’s inks really stink here.

I’m getting pretty sick of Team-Up over here. Ugh.

Rating:

Story of the Year!

The Guardians of the Galaxy seem interesting, but they weren’t used very well. This was a done-in-one that was basically an extended fight.

Rating:

“Listen–Stop Me if You’ve Heard it–But This One Will Kill You!”

Timing on this one is weird — the narration says that it’s spring, and Spidey mentions paying his income taxes the day before. According to everything else, though, it’s fall, so these are going to just have to be “topical references” — it’s probably just nice weather, and Pete maybe paid his taxes late.

Even though we don’t see her here, we get the first mention of Cissy Ironwood.

John Byrne drew Storm’s nipples. Some of the comics seem to be getting more “adult” recently. I’m all for adult themes and realism, but I don’t think those are equivalent with over-sexed drawings.

In this issue, Arcade is back and after the X-Men. Spidey finds out about it and tries to warn them, but he’s too late. Then I guess he just gives up, because we don’t seem him again for the rest of the issue.

This story was really not much different than the last Arcade issue, and didn’t really offer anything new.

Cool ad for Star Wars toys featuring Swedish rogue, Hans Solo:

Rating:

Lizards on a Hot Tin Roof!

This one follows the standard Spider-Man Cliffhanger Followup structure:

1. Continue fight
2. Bad guy(s) leaves for no good reason
3. Spider-Man/Pete lead normal life
4. Spidey and bad guy meet up again
5. Spider-Man beats bad guy

BORING!

It doesn’t help that Lizard stories tend to suck anyway, and that the Iguana is just an even lamer version of the Lizard. The one interesting part of the story was that Liz recognized his family and seemed to have a connection with them, but that wasn’t followed up at all. In fact, it was almost completely contradicted when the Lizard decided to team up with the Iguana.

Rating:

Spider-Man and the Demolition Derby

Hostess ad that appeared in 1979, I think, though I don’t know in what month or in which comics.

The Demolition Derby is a cross between Oddjob and somebody’s butler. Spider-Man stops him from stealing the Faith diamond from Spiffany’s by giving him Hostess Twinkies. This occupies DD long enough for the cops to arrive.

Uninspired writing, but surprisingly interesting art.

Rating:

And Lo, A Child Shall Lead Them

I’ve been looking forward to this issue for a long time. Godzilla and Spider-Man are just too awesome a combination.

In the issue Godzilla attacks NYC and squares off against the Avengers, the Fantastic Four, and S.H.I.E.L.D. The story is fairly evenly split between the heroes fighting Godzilla, and some little kid asking Godzilla nicely to leave. The kid succeeds where the heroes’ violence failed. Spidey appears briefly photographing the big ol’ lizard.

This book wasn’t bad, really, but there wasn’t any depth to it either. Perhaps if I had read some of the other issues there would be more, but it all seemed really superficial. This is a pretty big disappointment, especially considering this is the last Godzilla issue — I would have expected a little more bang for my 40¢. Also, Spidey was barely in it! Dang, man.

JJJ looks like a crazy person and Robbie Robertson has a crazy-weird ‘fro. Oddly, Robbie says that he left “a message for parker with his girlfriend”, but at this point Parker doesn’t really have a girlfriend. Maybe I have this in the wrong spot, or maybe Robbie doesn’t realize Pete and MJ are on the splits. I guess they’re still kinda seeing each other, so it probably makes sense…

Rating:

Claws!

Spidey fights the Griffin in a wholly forgettable tale.

Rating:

The Graduation of Peter Parker

This story is supposedly about Peter’s graduation, but once he gets there he discovers — shock of all shocks — he is not graduating. At least not yet. It seems he forgot to take a gym class, and now he’ll have to make it up in the summer and graduate in September.

This was just filler and a tease. Why take away Pete’s graduation from him? From my point of view, it would have been nice to actually see him get through graduation successfully.

Rating:

…Like a Diamond in the Sky!

This issue had Thor and Iron Man fighting a giant orbiting evil computer. It was really bad. Spidey appeared in one of those “what’s happening with the rest of the world” panels.

Rating:

Hell is the Hangman!

Briefly back to Spider-Woman!

Man, between the Brothers Grimm and the Hangman, this issue was pretty dark and creepy.

Everybody’s always calling Spider-Woman “woman” like it’s some kind of insult. This is something that happens fairly regularly in comics, but it’s really noticeable here, and really annoying. There’s also some more cheesecake shots in this issue, as well as some fairly bondagey scenes with Spider-Woman tied up in the Hangman’s ropes. I didn’t like the sexism and violence in that Spider-Woman: Origin book, but I see it has its roots back in this older series… I know the Hangman is supposed to be a creep, but some of it was just too much.

Maybe I’m just feeling whiney, but it irked me.

Rating:

Where Were You When The Lights Went Out?

Awesome cover by Ernie Chan!

Where the hell is MJ? Not counting the Hostess ads, we haven’t seen her in ages. Lightmaster kidnaps Hector, Pete figures out Hector’s identity, and then White Tiger willingly reveals it to the world at large. After a stupid fight, Lightmaster basically dies.

Rating:

The Hitman’s Back in Town!

I read this a couple weeks ago and am only now getting around to reviewing it. I can’t really remember it too well, but after quickly reskimming it, here are my thoughts:

• Those Hostess things can’t go where I read them — this issue starts with Peter coming home immediately after his battle with Molten Man.
• I’m excited about what’s going on with Harry and his shrink.
• I don’t really dig stupid Marla Madison, she’s all kinds of boring. They really need to give her some sort of personality.

The issue ends with JJJ having been kidnapped by the Hitman, flying away from Spidey and the Punisher.

Rating:

Spider-Man in “Break the Bank”

November 1977:
Andy Panda #22 (Gold Key Comics), Beep Beep the Road Runner #68 (Gold Key Comics), Pink Panther #48 (Gold Key Comics), Walt Disney’s Comics and Stories #446 (Disney)

Hostess ad that appeared in November 1977 in the titles above and most likely others. Like, ‘Will Power’ before it, the interesting thing about this one is that it wasn’t in any Marvel publications (that I know of), but instead was in (at least) three Gold Key Comics books and a Disney book.

Apparently, the bad guy from this — Printout Man — is mentioned in the New Avengers’ Most Wanted Files.

Pete and MJ are at the bank when some goof tries to rob it. I really wanted to like this one, I thought i had a lot of potential. Unfortunately it just didn’t make a lot of sense. It really reads like they tried to cram too much into a single page, and left out some crucial material. I’m left with so many questions: Did the whirring computers brainwash/paralyze the crowd? Why didn’t that affect Spidey? How did that relate to the plan to cause computer errors to drive people away? How does driving customers away help Printout Man take over the bank? Why was the vault filled with cupcakes?

Oh well…

Rating:

If Death be My Destiny…

This one had more Spider-Man, but was still basically Iron Fist junk.

Rating: