Enter: The Smuggler

The cover promises “the long awaited return of the White Tiger” …my ass. That dude’s the worst. Luckily he’s in the second story in the issue, and Spidey isn’t, so I got to skip him.

The art on the splash page is great. It gets less good for a lot of the smaller panels, but is overall still enjoyable.

We open on Peter Parker trying to grade tests, but distracted by his recent unemployment and the knowledge that Madame Web knows that he is Spider-Man. Phil Chang shows up and they decide to go to find wild, wild women. Seriously.

En route they run into Tommy Li, a member of the White Dragon gang who looks like a woman. These White Dragon guys showed up before, in Amazing Spider-Man 184 and 185. Naturally, Phil and Pete decide to chase the ganglord through the streets. When Li gets away in a van, Pete jumps onto a nearby wall and starts climbing up it! Right next to Phil! Where’s there’s no way Phil couldn’t see! But, of course, since readers are apparently brain-dead, we’re asked to believe that Phil has no idea where Peter went.

That right there just about ruined the issue for me. Put some effort in, dudes.

Anyway, it turns out Tommy Li is involved with some scam with a guy named the Smuggler. Dude is completely two-dimensional. There’s no real drama, no real interest being generated. It’s a weak issue. It ends with Spider-Man and Smuggler mid- (boring-) fight.

Other news: Aunt May is engaged to Nathan Lubensky.

Rating:

buy this issue at amazon.com

Fusion!

This issue begins with a shoutout to the fans at Maplecon II in Ottawa for creating the Fusion premise. Hurray for CanCon! Boo for a terrible idea! Read on dear friends…

Spider-Man is back from his jaunt in Los Angeles. As he swings through Manhattan he decides to stop to help out at the scene of a car accident and traffic jam. Not a very exciting start, but not every issue can be super villains and apocalypse, I suppose. As is fairly predictable, Spidey’s attempt at help only angers those involved. He gets called a commie. You would think this scene might have something to do with the rest of the issue, but you’d be wrong.

Next we jump to a science lab, where we meet Hubert and Pinky Fusser, little-people twins. Hubert, a scientist at the lab, is rushing ahead with his research on an untested, unchecked sub-atomic particle accelerator, despite the warnings of his janitor brother, Pinky. As Hubert says, “surely nothing can go wrong.” Shockingly, though, there is “a burst of raw energy as hundred trillian (sic) name less (sic) specks of matter are unleashed”. This, naturally, results in Hubert and Pinky fusing together into a glowing mess of a man.

Cut to the Daily Globe, where Peter is late for an important meeting. We, and he, learn that Rupert Dockery – who you may remember as the owner of the Los Angeles Courier in Spider-Woman – has been brought in as the new circulation manager! (Note: although Peter knows of Dockery from his time in LA, that’s not something he can really let on about. He keeps his trap shut.) Pete also learns that Barney Bushkin has hired another photographer, one Lance Bannon. I smell trouble!

Peter, feeling sorry for himself, meets up with his Aunt May at some hospital where she’s visiting Anna Watson. At this point I, the reader, am crazy bored. Aunt May scenes have a tendency to be little more than filler lately, in my opinion. This is no exception really… after some chitchat, Pete’s spider sense starts to go nuts, and after finding a place to change, he eventually comes across the fused Fusser twins. It’s not clear why they are in a hospital terrorizing nurses. When Spidey attempts to talk Fusion up, he just leaps out the window.

Chase time! It turns out Fusion has the powers to expel huge amounts of kinetic energy when touched, and to absorb energy from things like falling or running into stuff, and also from engines and lights and stuff like that. It also turns out that, though they are fused, Pinky and Herbert can’t agree about what they should be doing and, in their disagreement, they actually can de-fuse and go their separate ways. However, they can’t get very far apart before they start suffering; I can’t tell if they’re in pain or what, but it’s not good. Kinda like that episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation when Picard and Dr. Crusher have those things and they can’t separate and then they can read each others’ thoughts and Beverly discovers that Picard has a huge boner for her. But I digress.

So anyway, they are de-fused and then they refuse and there’s this whole long stretch where Spider-Man really should have caught up them, but he doesn’t. Instead he just heads back to hang out with Aunt May and Anna Watson.

Later, Spidey eventually finds Fusion and tries to fight him. It doesn’t really work out. Also, the part that’s Hubert is all about staying fused and absorbing tons of energy and throwing Spidey around, but the Pinky part just wants to go home. So, you know, there’s internal conflict AND external conflict ALL AT ONCE. So anyway, the only way Spidey is actually able to defeat Fusion is by taking advantage of this internal conflict; he convinces Pinky to de-fuse with his brother and distance himself enough that they become weakened.

Once separated, we get this classic line from Spider-Man:

“They’re two harmless-looking midgets!”.

So that’s about it. A pretty lame-ass, boring conclusion to a pretty lame-ass boring issue. I guess the idea wasn’t terrible, but it was pretty clichéd and it certainly didn’t overcome that at all. The whole thing seems like it was banged out quickly and without much thought. Weak.

Rating:

Curse of the Living Vampire!

Well, this was terrible. First of all, Morbius is such a shitty character, or at least shittily used. His whole story here was completely clichéd and boring. And the end? RIDICULOUS! Morbius drinks a bit of Spidey’s blood and gets by lightning and he’s cured! OMGZ! Gimme a break. The two mildly interesting aspects of this issue were Pete’s awkward run-in with MJ, and that Chip guy’s mutant freak-out.

Buscema and Stone really phoned in the art.

Rating:

The Last Tale of the Brothers Grimm

In this issue the story of the Brothers Grimm is finally wrapped up. Thankfully, the issue as not nearly as offensive as past issues (though still a little). Unfortunately, it’s still pretty terrible.

Rating:

And Dolly Makes Three

More of the same from this mag. Here, Spider-Woman is forced to wipe some white “goop” from her face and, later, is chained to a wall. “Can’t I go a week without getting tied up by somebody?” she wonders. Amen, sister.

Truth be told, this issue wasn’t as bad as many of the others, but that’s really not saying much.

Rating:

Verdicts

Ok, Marvels was pretty good. But all these other shitty painted books about real people are crap. Seriously, NO GOOD.

Update: this should come about one Marvel-year later than I have it.

Rating:

The Crash of ’79!

WTF, this mag has full-on nudity! That’s kind of shocking! Howard and Bev face off against Pro-Rata again, and Spidey shows up in a flashback. There are some people that “get” Howard the Duck, but I most certainly not one of those people

Rating:

Last Rites

Why must Chris Claremont always be credited as “author”? I find that so pretentious.

I can’t believe how over-the-top sexily Satana and Clea are drawn. It’s ridiculous. Satana dies in this issue but it probably won’t last, knowing Marvel.

This relationship with Cissy has come absolutely out of nowhere… some setup / intro would have been nice.

Rating:

A Sorcerer Possessed!

Lame issue in which Pete’s on a date with Cissy, and Dr. Strange turns into a werewolf. At the end, Satana shows up looking like a hoochy slut.

Rating:

Spider-Man “Puts Himself in the Picture!”

March 1979:
Defenders #69

April 1979:
Conan the Barbarian #97, Battlestar Galactica #2, What If #14, Dr. Strange #34

March 1980:
Daisy and Donald #42 (Gold Key Comics), Super Goof #58 (Disney)

Hostess ad that appeared in March and April 1979 in the Marvel titles above and most likely others. Also appeared a year later in at least one Gold Key comic and one Disney comic.

Spidey faces off with a very lame baddie named Photoman, whose camera flashes freezes people. Spidey distracts him with Twinkies and webs him up good.

Rating:

Crack of the Whip!

Fairly boring issue that sees the return of Jean DeWolff and her brother, the Wraith. This was very bland, and Iron Man did basically nothing.

Rating:

Spider, Spider, Burning Bright!

Spidey saves himself from that last predicament by covering himself in flame-retardant webbing and leaping free. Eventually he beats the White Dragon in a fairly boring showdown.

Rating:

“Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Lunatik!

You read that title right, they didn’t close their quote. As a programmer, that bothers me. A lot. As a linguist, it bothers me a little.

This was weird and bad. It seemed like the writer was probably high, and that it hindered more than helped. I hate Dollar Bill. The best things about this issue are the heart-warming opening domestic scene, and the fantastic Spidey statue:

Rating:

From Stonehenge…with Death!

This issue sucked. The Thing, Spider-Woman and Modred the Mystic fought off some elemental demons sent by Merlin. Boring as snot.

At the end, Modred wipes Alicia and Ben of their memories and sends them home. Modred and Spider-Woman walk off together, to help her figure out who she is.

Rating:

Tigra Tigra, Burning Bright!

Great, fucking Kraven the Hunter. Blurgh. Also, man, the Cat was really cool when she started. As Tigra she’s lamesauce.

Rating:

The Guy Who Turns Into the Hulk

Should go between Amazing Spider-Man 80 and 81 (maybe – still trying to sort it out).

The writing here felt very stilted and weird. I really wanted to like this, but I just couldn’t. The art was pretty nice though. Marvel Girl was maybe too breasty in a couple panels – I’m all for hot girls, but it shouldn’t really distract me. This isn’t that kinda book.

Rating:

Death-Walk!

WTF Peter is in Houston.

The weirdest thing about this book is that Marvel claims the Human Fly is a real person. I find that incredibly hard to believe, at least as he’s portrayed here. I also think the message of “hope” goes to far, and instead deteriorates into one of despair. You see, this Human Fly — and his companions — were all severely injured and disabled in accidents, but through grit and determination overcame their injuries. So the message is that people who have been seriously injured in accidents have given up, and if they only try harder they can be super heroes? That’s…great? Man, I’d hate to get this book while lying in a hospital bed. Maybe I’m just a bitter, cynical jerk.

Spider-Man is involved because he wants to see if this Human Fly is the same as his enemy. He joins the press tour and flies out to Houston to see the guy. Spidey refers to the evil Human Fly as “the villain I once fought”, which I guess means I should move that Hostess comic to after this, since that would twice that they fought.

I didn’t like this.

Rating:

Nightmare in New Mexico!

Spider in the Middle!
Writer: Bill Mantlo
Artist: John Byrne
Inker: Mike Esposito
Letterer: Joe Rosen
Colorist: G. Roussos
Originally published: February 1977

Still in New Mexico, Spidey hooks up with the Hulk and some goat-man named Woodgod to fight some corrupt (or possibly fraudulent?) government agents. These may or may not have killed an entire town with nerve gas, and may or may not be trying to cover it up. Nothing really gets resolved here, and nothing really gets explained. A lot happened without anything really happening, you know?

At the end, Spidey ends up unconscious in a rocket that gets blasted into outer space!

Rating:

Spider-Woman: Origin Book One

I was really looking forward to this series for a couple of reasons. First, I’ve been reading Sword and Girls and have really been enjoying the Luna brothers’ work. Second, although I enjoyed the first issue of Secret Invasion, I haven’t really liked what little else I’ve read by Bendis and I was eager to give him another chance. So far, I am disappointed on both fronts.

First, the art: it is unmistakably the Luna brothers’ style, but I think that was the problem. This looks exactly like Sword and Girls, and I don’t think it works. Those books are much different types of stories than Marvel super-hero kind of stuff, and for some reason using the same art here just doesn’t jive with me. I still like the look, but I’m not sure it’s appropriate for this context.

Second, and more important to me, is the writing. Bendis and Reed have completely thrown out the existing continuity as I’ve read it. While generally similar to what I read in the High Evolutionary stories, the plot in this first issue differs on pretty much every point. This is the worst kind of retcon because, as far as I can tell, it’s completely pointless. Bendis and Reed seem to be changing stuff just for the sake of changing it.

Some examples:

High Evolutionary stories: the Drew family moves to Wundagore when Jessica is a child
S-W: O: the Drews already live at Wundagore before Jessica is born

High Evolutionary stories: Jessica gets cancer/radiation poisoning from the radioactive mountain as a child, is treated with spider serum, shot by genetic laser-thing and is put in stasis
S-W: O: Jessica is shot by genetic laser thing in utero, which somehow transfers spider powers. No cancer/radiation poisoning, no spider genes (?).

High Evolutionary stories: Jessica’s nanny, Bova, is a New Man advanced cow
S-W: O: Jessica’s nanny Bova is a human

High Evolutionary stories: Wyndham is the High Evolutionary
S-W: O: Wyndham is a military general that may be affiliated with Hydra

I’m hoping that some of this gets cleared up and it starts to resemble the established chronology more, but so far I’m very annoyed at the seeming lack of respect for established story. Perhaps Bendis and Reed felt constricted by working within existing chronology, but then perhaps they shouldn’t be writing for a company with Marvel with a pre-existing universe. It’s just lazy, in my opinion, to disregard everything that’s come before.

Also, I thought the dialogue was really bad and artificial. I also hated that they made Jessica’s father into an abusive asshole.

BTW, this is set when Jessica Drew is a little girl and features a young Miles Warren, so it’s clearly not in the right spot on my reading list.

Rating:

Arm-in-Arm-in-Arm-in-Arm-in-Arm-in-Arm with Doctor Octopus

Well, the explanation for Hammerhead is that the nuclear explosion made him “out of phase”. Fine. That’s terrible, but I guess no more insane than a radioactive spider giving somebody super powers. I just hate when characters come back to life when they really, truly should be dead. It would be more palatable if either Doc Ock or Hammerhead to return, but for both to survive a nuclear explosion — in completely different ways, mind you — is just annoying.

Hammerhead is supposedly killed off again in this issue, but I definitely don’t believe it.

The one kind of cool thing was seeing Spider-Man and Doc Ock team up a little bit to fight Hammerhead and protect Aunt May. Unfortunately, this was stretched to a somewhat incredible point. Doc Ock is Spider-Man’s arch-enemy. He killed Capt. Stacy, he’s kidnapped Aunt May (and in the past, intended to kill her), and he’s fought Spidey a number of times. Having them help each other in a fight is one thing, but having them actually become a team is ridiculous. Especially against a villain like Hammerhead who, despite what Len and others try to tell us, is really not that intimidating. Spidey should easily be able to take him out alone. It just pissed me off.

On the upside – the Kingpin has and is restoring the Spider-Mobile!

I think I’m going to add the first Spidey/Superman crossover story in here, treat it as canon and part of the whole Amalgam thing. It features Doc Ock, and would kinda/sorta give an explanation for why we don’t see Ock for ages after this.

Rating:

Hammerhead is Out!

Ugh. Spiderweb parachutes are bad enough, but a web hang-glider? Fuck me. I also hope there’s a better explanation for Hammerhead’s reappearance than “particle accelerators bring ghosts back to life”.

Rating:

The Longest Hundred Yards!

Spidey mentions in this issue that MJ isn’t talking to him because of that party he skipped out on the Shocker. I’m guessing she’s also mad at him at the end of this issue. This means that Iron Fist 8 (and presumably Deadly Hands of Kung-Fu 21) are in the wrong spot, since the Iron Fist issue shows Pete and MJ on a date. Or, this issue (and the next?) is in the wrong spot… I guess the point is just that those issues have to come after this one or before 151 and 152. Ugh.

Anyway, I’m not into football and this issue seemed really trite and stupid. Very forgettable.

Rating:

On the Brink of Madness!

Two Worlds…and Dark Destiny
Writer: Steve Gerber
Artist: George Tuska
Inker: Vince Colletta
Letterer: C. Jetter
Colorist: G. Wein
Originally published: March 1974

Peter Parker just shows up briefly in issue 68 – in fact, only in the last panel – and his appearance in issue 69 is fairly brief too. This is a pretty boring story about Namor’s quest to get a forcefield projector to protect Atlantis. The art kinda stank, too, especially in 69.

Rating:

Beware the Basilisk My Son!

Terrible issue. I take issue with both physics and linguistics stuff in this issue, both of which are sticking points with me. It’s about an alien rock giving some loser powers, and then Spider-Man and Captain Marvel trying to stop him.

Rating:

…As Those Who Will Not See!

Continuing where the last issue left off, Spidey is hanging out in the Baxter building with an unconscious Puppet Master. The Vision has left. In walks the Thing (and his girlfriend, Alicia), and he’s pissed to find intruders. Once the Thing sees the Puppet Master, he focuses his anger in that direction.

Then…a bombshell: the Puppet Master is Alicia’s step-dad! WTF? The scene continues in soap opera antics when the Thing drags the Puppet Master off to another room to beat some startling information out of him: Alicia’s blindness might be cured. Apparently back in the day the Puppet Master was a scientist working with Alicia’s dad. In a jealous rage, PM killed Alicia’s dad and caused an explosion that blinded Alicia. Later, he married the mom.

Everybody piles into the Fantasticar to go to the Puppet Master’s old lab and try to find a cure for Alicia. Once they arrive, a booby trap temporarily takes out Spidey and the Thing. He runs off into the lab to hang out with his buddy, the Mad Thinker; apparently this is their secret lair. When Thing and Spidey come after them, the Mad Thinker uses a bunch more traps to try to stop them. The traps don’t work, the good guys save the day. At the end it kind of seems like the Puppet Master kills himself (and the Mad Thinker with him), but I’m guessing this isn’t actually the case.

Another really bad issue courtesy of Gerry Conway.

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