Spider-Man Vs. The Hulk! at the Winter Olympics

God-awful. One (hyphenated) word: web-skis.

This is an insane story, overly complex with no reason or payoff, insanely long and boring. The only cool thing was seeing hulk in battle armor, but he ditched that pretty quickly.

If you don’t care about the really boring plot, skip to the last paragraph.

The holidays are over and it’s time for the 1980 Winter Olympics in Lake Placid, New York. We open at the Olympic Village, one night before the events are to start, where skater Maria Karsov is being kidnapped by some creepy-looking weirdos. They are Digger, Boulder, Landslide and Water-Witch: the Outcasts. Spider-Man fights them, but it turns out they were maybe actually trying to protect the athlete — while all this is going on, a weird giant diamond rises up through the ground, envelops Karsov, and sucks her back into the Earth. The Outcasts get away.

Later, we find out that Karsov is the third athlete to go missing like this. There’s a bunch of talking and exposition that bores everybody.

The next morning the Hulk is jumping around like a lunatic when he gets captured by one of the weird diamond things. He breaks out, and then some “lava men” attack him with a “lava catapult” and some “carbonizers” and “flame-guns”. Hulk takes care of them and enters their cave and eventually meets Queen Kala, Monarch of all Subterranea. She wants the Hulk to help defeat her enemies and to be her king (or so she says).

The next day, a skier named Brad Rossi is competing. He went to Midtown High with Peter Parker. There’s a full freaking page describing his ski-jumping, in detail. Gimme a break. As Rossi is performing a second jump, he gets eaten by one of the big diamonds and sucked into the Earth. The crowd is upset, the readers not so much.

As Spidey attempts to help Brad, the Outcasts show up again and they all fight for no reason at all. It’s dumb and annoying. The Outcasts overpower Spider-Man and knock him out. When he awakes he finds himself underground, in the presence of the Mole Man. There’s a lot more boring exposition and it turns out he’s the enemy Kala wants vanquished and Mole Man, it seems, would like her defeated as well. See, Mole Man has a fountain of youth that Kala wants. Mole Man won’t let her in because she spurned him. Kala’s ridiculous plan is to have the kidnapped Olympic athletes fight the Outcasts. Mole Man doesn’t know that Kala also has the Hulk, and Kala doesn’t know that Mole Man also has Spider-Man. Ugh.

Lots of fighting. Hulk fights because he’s drugged and under mind control, Spider-Man fights because Mole Man threatens to destroy the Olympic Village, the athletes fight because Kala is holding Brad’s girlfriend hostage. The athletes get some ridiculous equipment: Brad gets “rocket skis and power poles”, Maria gets “super-skates”, Claude Lebron gets a “bomb-sled” and Bobby Lyle gets a “super-stick that fires power pucks”. You know what you could give them instead, Kala? Guns. Or anything not dumb. But, these are apparently the “most advanced weapons known to subterranean science”.

I can’t believe how much I hate this comic. I can’t describe any more. In the end it all works out. Fine, done.

Rating:

A Method in his Madness!

We finally find out what Jonas Harrow’s up to — he has developed a “mental attitude-response variator ray…a device which will drive men mad!” That’s pretty cool, isn’t it? He’s the one that cause J. Jonah Jameson to go batty, and presumably is causing the problems for Robbie Robertson too.

It actually takes awhile for Peter Parker, let alone Spider-Man, to show up in this issue. It’s an interesting choice, and it works! There hasn’t been much going on in Peter Parker’s world lately, and it’s nice to see some of his normal non-Spidey life (even if it’s still saturated with super villains).

I love when people fuck with Spidey’s mind, as long as it’s well-done. This issue was. Check out these two panels:

Hehe, whim-whams. And how about this bit of comedy gold:

That, along with gesundheit jokes, will always be a classic.

Rating:

Homecoming!

This story sucked kinda. It was about one of the Guardians of the Galaxy, Vance Astro, trying to convince his younger self to not take the same path he did. While I generally like time-travel stuff, this was just boring. The Thing’s part was useless, too, which is kind of annoying since this is his book. Also, Spidey just showed up in one panel, saving a construction worker.

This guy looks like Dr. Manhattan from Watchmen:

Rating:

By The Dawn’s Early Light!

Dragon Man!
Writer: Roger Stern
Co-plotters: Roger Stern, John Byrne
Penciler: John Byrne
Inker: Josef Rubinstein
Letterer: Jim Novak
Colorist: Bob Sharen
Originally published: August 1980

Death, Where Is Thy Sting?
Co-plotters: Roger Stern, John Byrne
Penciler: John Byrne
Inker: Josef Rubinstein
Letterer: Jim Novak
Colorist: B. Sharen
Originally published: September 1980

The Terror of the Taskmaster
Writer: David Michelinie
Penciler: George Perez
Inker: Jack Abel
Letterer: John Costanza
Colorist: Carl Gafford
Originally published: June 1980

Cap For President!
Story: Roger Stern
Photography: John Byrne, Josef Rubinstein
Typography: James Novak
Color: George Roussos
Originally published: October 1980

CA 247-249 tell the tale of Machinesmith, a robot master. They’re good, but Spidey never appears. There is a Spidey robot, and an off-hand mention of the real Spider-Man, but that’s it. I just read them for fun basically, but technically they shouldn’t really be in the project. Also, CA 247 and 248 should have come before M/TU 95.

Avengers 196 features a one-panel flashback of Spidey swinging on a pole — completely inconsequential. Its story about the Taskmaster was pretty good as well.

CA 250 features Spidey in one panel, considering the possibility of Captain America as president.

Rating:

Into the Hive!

A pretty lame wrap-up to the Swarm story line. I wish this had BEEn a little better. Ahahahahahaha.

Sorry.

Rating:

Carnival of Souls!

Pat Broderick’s pencils have a very different feel than most other Spidey artists I’ve seen. It’s a cool and welcome change — spices things up a bit!

This issue was about a revived one-off character, Moondark, who was lame initially and slightly less lame this time. Actually, the book started off really cool and I was totally into it, but once Moondark introduced himself and every other word was “soul” it got very tedious. Oh well, it was orders of magnitude better than the crud Marvel Team-Up‘s been dishing out lately.

Rating:

From the Ashes…

Finally done with stupid ass Spider-Woman comics for a bit.

Peter Parker only appeared in this for one panel, photographing Cap at a new conference. Despite being basically Spidey-less, this was an awesome issue. It was an incredibly dark story that involved Sharon Carter dying, Cap retiring, and a disturbingly gruesome look at World War II. It was extremely well done.

Rating:

Death on the Air

This was a decent done-in-one. My biggest complaint was that the tone of the book would have us believe that the villains were far more impressive than they were in actuality.

Rating:

Story of the Year!

The Guardians of the Galaxy seem interesting, but they weren’t used very well. This was a done-in-one that was basically an extended fight.

Rating:

Now You See Me! Now You Die!

Another boring Mysterio issue. I am curious what hidden treasure in the Parker home Mysterio and the Burglar are after, but mostly I just want this story to wrap up.

Rating:

Nine Lives Has the Black Cat!

This Black Cat issue wasn’t as good. The banter between the Cat and Spider-Man seemed more forced, and the story wasn’t really as interesting. The bits of the issue that were good were that Spidey broke his arm and that the Burglar convinced Aunt May’s nursing home to (falsely) inform Pete that Aunt May had died.

Rating:

Lizards on a Hot Tin Roof!

This one follows the standard Spider-Man Cliffhanger Followup structure:

1. Continue fight
2. Bad guy(s) leaves for no good reason
3. Spider-Man/Pete lead normal life
4. Spidey and bad guy meet up again
5. Spider-Man beats bad guy

BORING!

It doesn’t help that Lizard stories tend to suck anyway, and that the Iguana is just an even lamer version of the Lizard. The one interesting part of the story was that Liz recognized his family and seemed to have a connection with them, but that wasn’t followed up at all. In fact, it was almost completely contradicted when the Lizard decided to team up with the Iguana.

Rating:

By the Light of the Silvery Moon Knight!

Moon Knight. Is. Awesome. Also, really cool art by Zeck and Patterson, it’s a totally different style from what I’ve been seeing, and it works great.

I loved this issue!

Rating:

What If Someone Else Had Become — the Amazing Spider-Man

There are a couple pages of new 616 material here. Not sure why I have this placed here in the chronology, it really doesn’t fit.

This shows what would have happened if Flash Thompson, Betty Brant, or John Jameson had been bitten by the radioactive spider. All three of their stories end in tragedy, and the Watcher shows us that it takes a special kind of person to be a hero. Interestingly, after all their failures, Peter still manages to become Spider-Man. That’s pretty cool.

Rating:

When Slays the Silver Samurai!

This was really terrible. I seem to remember Team-Up getting really good for awhile there — what happened? Now it’s back to all fighting, no character development. Am I wrong? Maybe it’s always been this bad.

Rating:

Spider, Spider on the Moon!

Just as Spidey’s oxygen is running out, Warlock shows up and beams him to the moon – only with wacky plants, space squirrels, and air. Apparently it’s a “blue area” of the moon, with atmosphere and life, where the Watcher lives.

THEN A HUGE CREEP WITH A MOUSTACHE SHOWS UP!!!

At the end, Warlock starts to take Spidey back to Earth.

This was super boring and, I suspect, made no sense. I really thought Spider-Man on the moon was going to be better.

Rating:

Nightmare in New Mexico!

Spider in the Middle!
Writer: Bill Mantlo
Artist: John Byrne
Inker: Mike Esposito
Letterer: Joe Rosen
Colorist: G. Roussos
Originally published: February 1977

Still in New Mexico, Spidey hooks up with the Hulk and some goat-man named Woodgod to fight some corrupt (or possibly fraudulent?) government agents. These may or may not have killed an entire town with nerve gas, and may or may not be trying to cover it up. Nothing really gets resolved here, and nothing really gets explained. A lot happened without anything really happening, you know?

At the end, Spidey ends up unconscious in a rocket that gets blasted into outer space!

Rating:

Book I: The Saga Begins…!

Excerpted material originally appears in: Fantastic Four #s 1, 2, 271, 273; Tales to Astonish 27, 44; Avengers 227; Alpha Flight 2, 3, 12; The Thing 1, 10
Excerpted writers: Stan Lee, Larry Lieber, H.E. Huntley, John Byrne
Excerpted artists: Jack Kirby, John Byrne, Don Heck, Ron Wilson, Sal Buscema, Art Simek, Joe Sinnott, Dick Ayers, Hilary Barta, Brett Breeding

Marvel Saga aims to describe all the goings on of the Marvel Universe, in roughly chronological order. This appeals to me. It was a really cool way to fill in some of the gaps in my MU knowledge.

This premiere issue starts at the beginning of the universe and moves forward until the time of the Skrull’s first appearance and impersonation of the Fantastic Four. Most of the material is excerpted from a bunch of issues of various things, but the first five pages of this issue is all new. Within these all new pages are two whole panels featuring a young, pre-spider Peter Parker reading about the Fantastic Four’s fateful space voyage. Exciting!

Notes: I read this way out of order; I’m not listing all the character appearances for this, since it’s basically every character in the MU.

Rating:

A Past Gone Mad!

Death in the Year Before Yesterday!
Writer: Bill Mantlo
Illustrators: Sal Buscema, Mike Esposito
Letters: K. Mantlo
Colors: J. Cohen
Originally published: April 1976

Future-Shock!
Story: Bill Mantlo
Art: Sal Buscema, Mike Esposito
Letters: Jean Izzo
Colors: George Roussos
Originally published: May 1976

…Am I Now or Have I Ever Been?
Story: Bill Mantlo
Art: Sal Buscema, Mike Esposito
Letters: John Costanza
Colors: P. Goldberg
Originally published: June 1976

After a brief interlude with that Family issue, we’re back to more time travelin! Woo!

Team-Up #43 – big, long, giant fight where Spidey, Vision, Scarlet Witch, and Doom all get their asses kicked.

Team-Up #44 – Moondragon shows up, and together everyone is able to beat the Dark Rider. The “witches” of Salem, though, still hang.

Team-Up #45 – Total War of the Worlds story as Spidey is flung into the future to fight invading Martians with Killraven. It’s 2019, “just eighteen years since the second Martian invasion of Earth!” Oh snap!

Team-Up #46 – Still in the future, though now in the year 1990 (!!!), Spidey meets up with Deathlok and fights radioactive zombie kids and the government!

I did not like that the Scarlet Witch killed a cat in #43, but I guess I can live with it, since Spidey was in mortal peril. :(

These aren’t the most amazing stories ever, but shit, they’re a lot of fun. TIME TRAVEL!

Rating:

Beware the Death Crusade!

Hmm, this issue says that it’s late February, but Amazing 145 said that it was March. Is there any way to reconcile this? I’ve looked into it, and there absolutely is not as far as I can tell. It’s just an error.

Despite Team-Up experimenting with less self-contained, more on-going stories, this was a bit of a dud. Valkyrie really added nothing to this at all, which is a shame.

Rating:

The Delusion Conspiracy

Awesome cover this month, by Gil Kane I think.

Aunt May still looks insane and evil and dead.

This issue, super-creepy Aunt May thinks she sees Gwen! Oh noes! AT THE END GWEN IS AT PETER’S APARTMENT!!!!

Well, I liked the Cyclone, even though he wasn’t much more than a stereotype, but the way Spidey defeated him was dumb. The whole Cyclone thing ended up being kind of a dud, but this issue had enough going for it on the Gwen Stacy front that I can’t really deny it a 4/5.

Rating:

The Yesterday Connection! / The Secret Out of Time! / Tomorrow is Too Late! / The Future is Now!

Ok, other than some irksome physics and linguistics issues, this was a bad-ass story. With this book I feel like Marvel’s finally gotten a handle on what to do with a Giant-Size story. Instead of dragging some normal thing out and making it dull, the cutting back and forth between two different but related tales worked beautifully. Plus, like some other recent things, this was a really neat kind of classic sci-fi story that I dug. Reviving Doc Savage (in a way) was a great idea, and I’d love to see more stories like this in the future. Time travel, other dimensions, betrayal, deceit; this book had it all.

Rating:

On the Brink of Madness!

Two Worlds…and Dark Destiny
Writer: Steve Gerber
Artist: George Tuska
Inker: Vince Colletta
Letterer: C. Jetter
Colorist: G. Wein
Originally published: March 1974

Peter Parker just shows up briefly in issue 68 – in fact, only in the last panel – and his appearance in issue 69 is fairly brief too. This is a pretty boring story about Namor’s quest to get a forcefield projector to protect Atlantis. The art kinda stank, too, especially in 69.

Rating:

To The Death!

I’m back to my correct chronology, and it’s the Avengers and the Defenders vs. Dormammu. I’m not a fan of these super-hero orgy issues, where every damn last Marvel character is thrown in. This issue manages to overcome this a little, but is still a little on the weak side.

Rating:

…Then Came Ramrod!

Ok, so I’ve caught some mentions at the Daredevil and the Black Widow being together, but I don’t really know the details. Are they a couple? Why are they in San Francisco?

I’m not really into this, so here’s a couple of notes:

• Don Heck has Spider-Man walking along his web like a tightrope, exactly like Daredevil would. Did Heck forget who he was drawing? It’s not that it’s impossible that Spidey would do that, but it certainly comes across as weird. The pose doesn’t help.
  
• There was a nice mention of Pete’s ulcer, even if it was just him covering for his spider sense. Nice to see that the ulcer hasn’t been completely forgotten.
• I really hate the monologue-flashback-origin-story crutch. There are other, far less artificial ways to tell a character’s origin, but comics too often resort to this.
• Ramrod’s kind of like Wolverine, in that his skeleton has been replaced with metal. That’s kind of neat.
• Daredevil and the Black Widow are barely in this, which is really weird. You know, since it’s their book.

Very villain-of-the-weeky, nothing really special here at all.

Rating: