Monster in the Meadow / Payoff / Heroes for Hire / The Men and the Machine / Confrontations

As tends to be the case with annuals, this is a big honking issue. Unfortunately, Spider-Man only appears very briefly, observing a fight between a blackmailer and Luke Cage and Iron Fist.

The issue is a bit convoluted and long, but overall a decent read. Some of the art is nice.

Rating:

Doctor of Madness

Another Marvel Team-Up, this time with the Hulk and Spider-Woman! Let me say right off, from the first page, the Hulk looks freaking weird here. Kind of like Blanka from Street Fighter II, or green Nick Nolte.

The story starts with the Hulk in Jude, New Mexico facing off with a Sheriff Bradley Martin. Predictably, men make Hulk made and Hulk smash. Nearby, Jessica Drew happens to be pulling into town on a bus. Apparently the town is home to a group smuggling criminals out of the country. Finally, we learn that the Sheriff is in cahoots with someone named Doc Benway, a potentially mad scientist who is interested in capturing the Hulk.

Quickly:

• Benway turns Hulk into Bruce Banner and captures him.
• Spider-Woman tracks criminal Johnny Yen to Benway’s “clinic” (i.e. the smuggling HQ).
• She discovers that Benway’s got weird beasties about his villa, which are apparently mutated criminals. So they aren’t so much smuggled as experimented on.
• Benway shoots Spider-Woman in the face with a raygun and captures her.
• He explains his dastardly plan

OK here’s the Doc’s plan: lure criminals to his villa with the promise of escape, transplant their brains into weird fantastical monsters which can be used to conquer other planets (what?), sell the organs from their original bodies to make money.

Here’s why it doesn’t make sense: Spider-Woman stumbles upon Johnny Yen in some sort of transformed state on an operating table. It’s clearly Yen, but mutated into some kinda half-bear or something. It is not just Yen’s brain in a weird man-bear body. So that’s a major contradiction within the span of about a page and a half. Also, why the hell does Benway care about making creatures “that can survive on the hostile worlds that mankind must someday conquer”? That’s just stupid.

Spider-Woman escapes her confines, finds and rescues Banner, he hulks out and then there’s a big brawl. Then we find out that the creatures aren’t even alive, they’re robots. Huh?! So are they robots with criminal brains? Or is that completely unrelated? This makes no sense. Whatever, then some shit happens and it ends. Good guys win.

This was horrid. Ugh, I just want to read some good comics!

Rating:

A Night on the Prowl!

Double Defeat!
Writer: Roger Stern
Penciler: Marie Severin
Inker: Bruce Patterson
Letterer: Rick Parker
Colorist: Ben Sean
Originally published: November 1980

Pete’s enjoying a cup of joe at a local pub (on a date with Deb Whitman) when a news report comes on claiming that Spider-Man has been involved in a series of break-ins that have led to a death. “Oh, no!” says he.

Turns out the break-ins have all been against people in the fashion business. Can we see where this is headed? Yes. Do we like it? No. The robber doesn’t sound like Spidey, despite what the victims claim, but Pete has a hunch that it may be — the Prowler! But Hobie Brown’s gone legit, so that doesn’t make much sense. Spidey pays him a visit and they discover that his Prowler gear has been stolen! Spidey goes looking for the new Prowler.

Meanwhile, we see what this Prowler has been up to — consorting with none other than Belladonna, as expected. It turns out the new Prowler is the former Cat Burglar, and he’s been hired by Belladonna to knock over these fashion designers. But to what end?!

The next day, Spidey and the new Prowler finally meet up, with Prowler leading Spidey into a well-orchestrated trap. Unfortunately for the Prowler, it snares him too. Belladonna ends up with both guys locked in an air-tight room, and starts pumping in the gas. Can they escape? Probably, yes.

In the next issue, things are looking grim for Spider-Man and the new Prowler. BUT THEN THEY GET OUT! And Spidey has the Prowler arrested. But, there’s still Belladonna to deal with. Also, the Prowler gets away later.

JJJ gives Peter a ring, Pete and Deb have some more bonding time, Pete’s stuffed beardog burns down, Aunt May and Peter have some chitchat: good times all around.

Eventually we all learn the Belladonna is really Narda Ravanna, a bitter fashion/cosmetics maven out for revenge. OK. Eventually, everything comes to a head and everyone goes off to jail. Hurray!

I liked this story, actually. It was fun and had good pacing. Well-done.

Rating:

Spider-Man Vs. The Hulk! at the Winter Olympics

God-awful. One (hyphenated) word: web-skis.

This is an insane story, overly complex with no reason or payoff, insanely long and boring. The only cool thing was seeing hulk in battle armor, but he ditched that pretty quickly.

If you don’t care about the really boring plot, skip to the last paragraph.

The holidays are over and it’s time for the 1980 Winter Olympics in Lake Placid, New York. We open at the Olympic Village, one night before the events are to start, where skater Maria Karsov is being kidnapped by some creepy-looking weirdos. They are Digger, Boulder, Landslide and Water-Witch: the Outcasts. Spider-Man fights them, but it turns out they were maybe actually trying to protect the athlete — while all this is going on, a weird giant diamond rises up through the ground, envelops Karsov, and sucks her back into the Earth. The Outcasts get away.

Later, we find out that Karsov is the third athlete to go missing like this. There’s a bunch of talking and exposition that bores everybody.

The next morning the Hulk is jumping around like a lunatic when he gets captured by one of the weird diamond things. He breaks out, and then some “lava men” attack him with a “lava catapult” and some “carbonizers” and “flame-guns”. Hulk takes care of them and enters their cave and eventually meets Queen Kala, Monarch of all Subterranea. She wants the Hulk to help defeat her enemies and to be her king (or so she says).

The next day, a skier named Brad Rossi is competing. He went to Midtown High with Peter Parker. There’s a full freaking page describing his ski-jumping, in detail. Gimme a break. As Rossi is performing a second jump, he gets eaten by one of the big diamonds and sucked into the Earth. The crowd is upset, the readers not so much.

As Spidey attempts to help Brad, the Outcasts show up again and they all fight for no reason at all. It’s dumb and annoying. The Outcasts overpower Spider-Man and knock him out. When he awakes he finds himself underground, in the presence of the Mole Man. There’s a lot more boring exposition and it turns out he’s the enemy Kala wants vanquished and Mole Man, it seems, would like her defeated as well. See, Mole Man has a fountain of youth that Kala wants. Mole Man won’t let her in because she spurned him. Kala’s ridiculous plan is to have the kidnapped Olympic athletes fight the Outcasts. Mole Man doesn’t know that Kala also has the Hulk, and Kala doesn’t know that Mole Man also has Spider-Man. Ugh.

Lots of fighting. Hulk fights because he’s drugged and under mind control, Spider-Man fights because Mole Man threatens to destroy the Olympic Village, the athletes fight because Kala is holding Brad’s girlfriend hostage. The athletes get some ridiculous equipment: Brad gets “rocket skis and power poles”, Maria gets “super-skates”, Claude Lebron gets a “bomb-sled” and Bobby Lyle gets a “super-stick that fires power pucks”. You know what you could give them instead, Kala? Guns. Or anything not dumb. But, these are apparently the “most advanced weapons known to subterranean science”.

I can’t believe how much I hate this comic. I can’t describe any more. In the end it all works out. Fine, done.

Rating:

The Strangest Teens of All

A fun little Team-Up-type tale pitting Spider-Man and the X-Men against Kraven and the Blob. The story had a nice pace, good action, and some cute foreshadowy jokes that I thought worked really well. I’m looking forward to the rest of this series, though I think the issues are spaced out chronologically, so I may not get to them for a bit.

This is set sometime after Spidey and the X-Men first meet, but I didn’t really put in the effort to figure out exactly where. Sometime while Pete’s dating Gwen.

Rating:

Chaos on Campus!

This is a promo comic given out with the Columbus Dispatch in 1979. It features Peter Parker fighting the Hulk on the first day of school. There a number of weird things about it:

- Pete has the hots for a girl named Cindy Sayers, that he’s apparently been pining over for the last semester. I’m not sure how this could fit in.

- The Hulk is referred to in the narration as “Dr. R.B. ‘David’ Banner”, clearly evoking the 70s TV show. However, in the show Banner’s name was David Bruce Banner, so this is just a topical reference.

- Similarly meant to evoke the TV show, the Hulk doesn’t talk

If this is canon (I’m willing to bet it can be placed somewhere, but I haven’t figure out where yet), I’ve read it in the wrong spot.

Rating:

The Gamma Gambit

Yes, that’s right: toilet paper. This comic was printed on toilet paper. Back in 1979, you too could wipe your asshole with your favourite super-heros.

In this story, Spidey and the Hulk (in their civilian identities) are both watching a radiation demonstration when in bursts the Leader. Both heroes fight him and then go on their separate ways. The story was short, simple, and fun. And it was printed on toiler paper.

This is definitely not in the correct spot. In it, Peter doesn’t know that the Hulk’s alter ego is Bruce Banner. This means it must come at least before Marvel Team-Up 53.

Rating:

Writers: Dan Abnett, Andy Lanning
Artist: Igor Kordey
Letters: Richard Starkings
Design: Cindy Emmert
Originally published: September 1995

Oh my God, this was like, uh, so, uh, deep? Because it was about, uh, normal people? And, uh, the way they, uh, talked, was uh, so real.

I’m pretty certain I read these in the wrong spot, since Julia Carpenter (another Spider-Woman) appears, and she doesn’t really exist yet for the books I’m currently reading.

Rating:

Murder in Cathedral Canyon!

Well…this thing says it’s the Fourth of July, but once again I think it’ll have to be ignored. I will assume that’s a metaphor, since Pete is kissing Cissy and Fireworks are metaphorically going off (though they are shown on-panel).

Pretty good epic anti-bomb, anti-armament story. I quite liked it.

So Cissy Ironwood’s dad gets killed here, and Spider-Man is powerless to stop it. What the hell’s with Peter’s girlfriends’ dads getting killed?

Rating:

Membership Madness!

Spidey appears in a flashback / TV appearance to the previous issue. This was painful to read.

Rating:

“Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Lunatik!

You read that title right, they didn’t close their quote. As a programmer, that bothers me. A lot. As a linguist, it bothers me a little.

This was weird and bad. It seemed like the writer was probably high, and that it hindered more than helped. I hate Dollar Bill. The best things about this issue are the heart-warming opening domestic scene, and the fantastic Spidey statue:

Rating:

The Final Rage!

Cool cover homage to the classic Ditko art in ASM 33.

Everything is wrapped up in a neat little package, with the Man-Beast seemingly destroyed and Sha-Shan and Bobby Sue saved. Awesome arc!

Rating:

Defender of the Realm!

I kind of hated the art. The story seemed interesting, but it was really just a couple of specs of an obviously much-larger story — definitely not a done-in-one. That makes it kind of hard to review/take in, but I guess I enjoyed the writing for the most part.

Spidey shows up in one panel, frustrated that he’s stuck in a crowd and can’t help with the Hulk/Namor fight happening in Manhattan.

Rating:

The Guy Who Turns Into the Hulk

Should go between Amazing Spider-Man 80 and 81 (maybe – still trying to sort it out).

The writing here felt very stilted and weird. I really wanted to like this, but I just couldn’t. The art was pretty nice though. Marvel Girl was maybe too breasty in a couple panels – I’m all for hot girls, but it shouldn’t really distract me. This isn’t that kinda book.

Rating:

The Absorbing Man is Out for Blood!!

The Hulk battles the Absorbing Man, who has been hired by some weirdos. These same weirdos were also responsible for the Orb (who fought Spidey and Ghost Rider in Marvel Team-Up 15), and Stegron’s ark (in Marvel Team-Up 19 and 20). In this issue, Spidey appears in flashbacks to those stories.

Rating:

Spider, Spider on the Moon!

Just as Spidey’s oxygen is running out, Warlock shows up and beams him to the moon – only with wacky plants, space squirrels, and air. Apparently it’s a “blue area” of the moon, with atmosphere and life, where the Watcher lives.

THEN A HUGE CREEP WITH A MOUSTACHE SHOWS UP!!!

At the end, Warlock starts to take Spidey back to Earth.

This was super boring and, I suspect, made no sense. I really thought Spider-Man on the moon was going to be better.

Rating:

Nightmare in New Mexico!

Spider in the Middle!
Writer: Bill Mantlo
Artist: John Byrne
Inker: Mike Esposito
Letterer: Joe Rosen
Colorist: G. Roussos
Originally published: February 1977

Still in New Mexico, Spidey hooks up with the Hulk and some goat-man named Woodgod to fight some corrupt (or possibly fraudulent?) government agents. These may or may not have killed an entire town with nerve gas, and may or may not be trying to cover it up. Nothing really gets resolved here, and nothing really gets explained. A lot happened without anything really happening, you know?

At the end, Spidey ends up unconscious in a rocket that gets blasted into outer space!

Rating:

‘Tis the Season

My Treasury Edition 13 showed up! I’m finally back on track with my reading order.

It’s Christmas time, and the Marvel superheroes are playing in the snow! This is kind of a wrapper story around some reprints of past issues. Nothing much happens, but it’s nice and cute, and fun to see everyone relaxing and having a good time.

Rating:

KISS / Precisely as Hot as Hell! / The Andromedia Hustle! / See Latveria and Die!

“Forty pages of full-color comics. Plus never-before-published photos and features. Printed in real KISS blood.“

Everything about this is badass!

Platform shoes? Check.
Blind old man in a fur loincloth? Check.
Gene Simmons breathing fire? Check.
Teleportation? Check.
Moon-shaped spaceship? Check.
Sexy robot ladies with machine guns and robot monks with laser eyes? Check.
Outerspace alien disco? Check.

This is literally the best comic I’ve ever read.

Here are some amazing panels and things. Check out the fucking awesome fake ad for Air Latveria!

Rating:

At Last: The Decision!

A new set of Avengers is chosen. It very much resembles the existing lineup. There are lot of flashbacks, including one with Spidey. This was kind of like a crappy clips episode of a sitcom.

Why is Ben Grimm human, but wearing a Thing costume? I’ve clearly missed something there.

I probably shouldn’t have this smack dab in the middle of a cliffhanger.

Rating:

Five Villains in Search of a Plot / The Duck and the Defenders

Pete and MJ give Howard the Duck and Beverly Switzler directions. Waaaugh.

(Why is Tillie the Hun a Nazi? That’s really weird.)

Rating:

The Trial of the Wraith!

Finally the conclusion of the Wraith storyline, after that truly bizarre and misplaced Spider-Woman break. It feels good to be back to Spider-Man stuff.

Courtroom drama unfolds at the trial of Brian and Phillip DeWolf. Despite a lot of action, the issue was fairly boring. Kind of a letdown after a fairly interesting start to the arc.

This issue had an extremely weird ending, where it was revealed that the judges trying the case had telepathic and telekinetic powers, and then cut to a random scene of the Hulk bounding around the New Mexico desert.

Rating:

The High Evolutionary Chapter Five: Silver and Crimson

The High Evolutionary Chapter Six: Kindred Spirits
Story: Mark Gruenwald
Pencils: Ron Lim
Inks: Tony DeZuniga
Letters: Ken Lopez
Colors: Gregory Wright
Originally published: 1988

The High Evolutionary Chapter Seven: Demon Night
Story: Mark Gruenwald
Pencils: Ron Lim
Inks: Tony DeZuniga
Letters: Ken Lopez
Colors: Gregory Wright
Originally published: 1988

The High Evolutionary: All My Children
Story: Mark Gruenwald
Pencils: Ron Lim
Inks: Tony DeZuniga
Letters: Ken Lopez
Colors: Gregory Wright
Originally published: 1988

The High Evolutionary Chapter Nine: The Final Frontier
Story: Mark Gruenwald
Pencils: Ron Lim
Inks: Tony DeZuniga
Letters: Ken Lopez
Colors: Gregory Wright
Originally published: 1988

The High Evolutionary Chapter Ten: The Son of Earth
Story: Mark Gruenwald
Pencils: Ron Lim
Inks: Tony DeZuniga
Letters: Ken Lopez
Colors: Gregory Wright
Originally published: 1988

The High Evolutionary Chapter 11: Beyond Life
Writer: Mark Gruenwald
Breakdowns: Ron Lim
Finishes: Tony DeZuniga
Letters: M. Yee, J. Rosen
Colors: Gregory Wright
Originally published: 1988

No Jessica Drew in chapters five through seven, just more High Evolutionary stuff (and the birth of the Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver).

In the eighth (though oddly unnumbered) chapter, Jessica Drew is shown still cryogenically frozen and, after decades, finally revived. In the ninth she is left in the charge of her nanny, the cow-woman Bova.

After that, it goes back to really weird High Evolutionary stuff, where he recreates Earth and meets some gods and becomes slime.

Rating:

Midgard Aflame!

Loki invades Earth — specifically, Washington, DC — and, to ensure his battle is solely with Thor, he immobilizes every other super-powered individual on the planet. This includes Spider-Man, who appears in a brief cameo.

Even though I don’t really know most of the backstory, this was a thoroughly enjoyable issue. It also made me realize how much I miss John Buscema’s art. Nothing against Ross Andru or anything, but John Buscema is fantastic.

Rating:

A Friend in Need!

We haven’t seen the Chameleon since way back in Amazing Spider-Man 80. I went into this not expecting much, but it ended up being relatively decent. I liked the friendship theme, even if it was a bit corny. My biggest complaint is that the Chameleon completely unexpectedly runs into the Hulk, but still happens to have a perfect Rick Jones disguise on him. This guy just carries Rick Jones disguises with him wherever he goes? That’s malarky.

There’s a radio announcement in here about the Wrecking Crew, that I think is stuff that happens in Code of Honor 1. So, as previously stated, I read it far too early.

Rating: